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Hi Guy,
What is it with women these
days? Pal, let me enlighten you: if you don’t do absolutely everything
right, you’re history! That’s what’s with women these days!
Don’t believe me? Ask Paul McCartney. He’s a billionaire, one of the
most famous men on the face of the planet, a genius, and he’s getting
nagged. He can’t do anything right as far as his wife is concerned.
You’d think she’d be happy to be where she is, but no cigar. Like my
cousin General Love says, “Soldier, it’s brutal out there!”
When Audrey asked you if you were seeing someone, I’d like to
know what you answered. What you should have said was “I’m seeing
three girls right now. It gets a little tricky, as you might imagine.” And
then smiled like Jack Nicholson. But I have a feeling, Guy, that you
didn’t. I have the feeling you that you tamely said “No one at all!
I’m available, especially for you!” You were about as much of a
Challenge as the French during World War II.
I don’t doubt for a
second that you and Audrey had a lot in common. But did you ever think she
might have had a lot in common with this new guy in the bar too? Maybe
she’s got a lot in common with all kinds of guys, because the only
commonality she’s looking for is the fact that you’re all males! And
you had something in common with Mister Unknown, too. You got 30 minutes, and
he got 30 minutes.
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To top it off, when she set eyes on Mister Unknown,
Audrey completely ignored you. Sounds like a real classy lady you were rapping
with!
When you say you were trying to be funny, buddy, I need you to
give me some specifics. You guys have a tendency to give me fuzzy generalities
that really don’t tell me much of anything. Remember, you have to report
exactly what happened in order for me to hone in on what your problem is (aside
from the fact that you’re trying to win over someone who looks like a
double for Shakira!). But I’ll take your word that you were just kidding
with Audrey.
When she got so deeply absorbed in a conversation with
the new fellow, you should have strolled around the bar and talked to as many
women as you could and pretended like Audrey didn’t exist, instead of just
standing there waiting for this bimbo to notice you again. You might have
picked up some home phone numbers while you were at it. Remember to do that the
next time you realize you’re getting deep-sixed by some chick at a bar.
And why in the world would you go up to her and say “Nice talking
to you” after she just spent the last half-hour insulting you by draping
herself all over another guy like a cheap suit? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“You ain’t really that desperate, are you, boy?”
But
dude, you should have asked for Audrey’s home phone number anyway. In
fact, you should have asked for it right in front of that other guy. I
don’t care if she’s standing there with her parents – you have
to go after that home phone number. Don’t waste your time being polite and
considerate. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Just think about how
polite and considerate she was to you!”
You want to know what
happened with this babe? You didn’t have 10 dates in with her.
Until that happens, nothing means anything. You have absolutely no beachhead
unless you have at least those 10 dates in with a girl. Buddy, a girl can tell
you that you’re the greatest thing since Enrique Iglesias and say anything
else to you during the course of a half-hour conversation and it doesn’t
mean horse manure to a tree.
Why would you want your friend to put in
a word for you, Guy? You’re already out, man! You don’t have to worry
about letting anything go. Audrey lost interest in you the minute she leaped
off that bar stool and did a 9.1-second dash after Mister Unknown. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It was a pretty good
indication that she was giving you the heave-ho when she pretended she
couldn’t tell you from the waiter.”
But I don’t care if
that guy was her brother who was living in Japan and she hadn’t seen him
in 10 years. She could have introduced you to him, she could have been polite
to you, she could have bowed out gracefully -- but like I said, this broad has
no class and no manners. And that’s why she’s a broad.
Why
did she ignore you, Guy? Because you had her mixed up with someone who had high
Interest Level. And let me remind you again – there’s no comparison
between 30 minutes of conversation and 10 full dates.
At the end of
the day, Guy, your expectations were way too high. Just because a woman
talks to you for a half-hour doesn’t mean anything. Remember that
– it means nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Remember, guys: when the
ether wears off, you’re out. |
