Does Julia Roberts Use "The System?"

Hey Doc,

I'm writing you from Scandinavia. I've studied your book and listened to your radio show, and I have to tell you that in the beginning I was skeptical. But I have to admit that more and more it makes sense. But how do you manage a woman who's using "The System" on you?

I'm 51 and have been seeing Lisa for more than two months. We just had our eleventh date. She calls me often, but she does all the things I'm supposed to do. For instance, she waits for me to touch her. She always guides the conversation to topics she wants to discuss. She spoon-feeds me the dates she wants us to have. In short, she keeps me guessing and on my toes.

Lisa has three jobs and three kids and her sports hobbies take up the rest of her time. If it weren't for her inviting me out, I would assume that she's lost interest. Jokingly I asked her what she expected of me at the party she recently invited me to, and she said without hesitation, "Just don't flirt with my friends!"

So it's a bit of a cold war, Doc. I try to play it cool, too, by not talking about the future or my feelings. I try to keep the conversation light and tease her often. But she is a very attractive woman and I feel that her Interest Level is lower than mine, and I think I should do something radical or quit. Maybe Lisa is just a user -- but then she's very sweet and Giving when we meet, she's always on time and never plays games.

It is difficult to find times to meet since I have two kids from my previous marriage as well. Maybe five kids between us is the problem. What I'm most worried about with Lisa is too little touching and that she never speaks about the future. But she always kisses me on the mouth when we meet and she sometimes takes my hand to caress it.

What do you think, Doc? Should I try another tactic?

Ellis - who can't get out from under her thumb

Hi Ellis,

You should be skeptical about what you hear and read. Because there are 10,000 love doctors running around out there giving advice and guys, you have to be discriminating. But guess what? None of the others talk about CHALLENGE. Why is it more of these so-called geniuses don't talk about Challenge? Have the Feministas brainwashed us to the point where it's not even on the radar screen?

But let's get on to your problem. If Lisa waits for you to touch her and you're bent out of shape about it, the solution is simple: just don't touch her. You're the one who caves in first, Ellis. If there's no physical contact between you and Lisa, fine - there's no contact. Live with it. But you're not going to touch her. Let her give in first. The reality is that you're not both using "The System." She is, but you aren't!

What's the problem with letting Lisa choose whatever she wants to gab about? Let her go where she wants with the conversation. And let her talk until the cows come home. As Doctor Freud once said, "Women reach a state of euphoria when they're blabbing about nothing."

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But let's look at this thing more closely, pal. Lisa keeps you on a long leash, but when she shows up for a date, she's the best thing since cheap gasoline prices. There's nothing wrong with this girl. So I don't know what you're moaning about.

You should be kept guessing and on your toes, Ellis - it's part of the dating dance. And you'll dish out the same treatment to Lisa by not touching her anymore. If her plate is filled with all kinds of duties and activities, let her call you when she's ready. It's that simple. Don't ask her out. And don't worry -- she'll ask you out.

Don't fret about her Interest Level, either. She's the one asking you out despite her overloaded schedule, right? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "She's helping you out, dodo!"

But apparently that's not good enough for you. You had to go and ask Lisa what she expected of you. In other words, you were begging -- begging to know where you stand in the relationship. There's a chapter called "Begging" in the Dating Dictionary. You should go back over that one, dude, and stop yourself from wrecking it with Lisa before it even gets off the ground.

When she ordered you not to flirt with her friends she came off sounding like a very classy lady. I don't see where the cold war is here, Ellis. You go out, you have a great time, and Lisa kisses you good night. What else do you want from this girl? You act like she's a 17-year-old high school kid who has just a few classes and Phys Ed to worry about. This lady's got three jobs, three kids, and she's in training for the 2008 Olympics on top of it all. Come on, man - she's busy!

And you know what? Three jobs proves she's a good catch. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "She's not going to sit on her fat butt and wait for you to hand her your money!"

Forget the urge to talk about the future or your precious feelings, Ellis. Just sit back and enjoy the trip. This babe's about as perfect as they come. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "You got any idea how many guys in America would like to date this girl?"

I don't think Lisa's Interest Level is any lower than yours. But it'll make Dubya's approval ratings look high if she senses your insecurity and you keep shooting your mouth off about what she expects of you. You want a radical tactic? Keep your trap shut. That's the way you'll keep her.

Where are you getting the notion that Lisa's a user? Ellis, you're in la-la land. Try laying off the Jack Daniels, my friend. You're telling me she's sweet and Giving, always on time and never plays games. Like I said before, what else do you want from her? Remember, three kids and three jobs? Hello? To you Psych majors, there's only 24 hours in a day!

But if you can't come to grips with common sense and logic, look at it this way. If Lisa's so tied up with her life, it means she can't be cheating on you with somebody else. She's got three kids, three jobs, athletic training and a boyfriend! Where's she going to find time to squeeze another guy in on the side?

Don't worry about how you two are going to get together. You'll work it out. Get yourself a babysitter and a backup babysitter. Overpay them and they'll jump whenever you call.

The problem isn't five kids between you and Lisa. The problem is that you have my book and you're not using it.

So relax about the future and the touching. You two have only been on 11 dates. What do you want her to do, slobber all over you? She's a class act, not a desperado. And wait a minute here. All of a sudden she's caressing your hand? I thought you said she didn't touch you?

You have to memorize my book, Ellis. And P.S., try to interpret it properly. You've got a good woman here. Relax and enjoy the ride. Lisa's not a high school cheerleader and you're not the star quarterback of the football team. Those days are gone.

Remember, guys: when they have three kids and three jobs, it's okay for them to make the dates.

To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about "The System," visit me at or call (800) 404-2644. Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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